10/7/16

8:00 a.m.

It’s looking like the hurricane is now downgraded to a Cat 3. Also, so far it is tracking just to the east of the coast. They are saying the danger is not over yet, the slightest wobble of the eyewall can take it from 65 mph to well over 100. The next 4-6 hours are critical for the coast. Where we are, it looks like the winds will be in the 30’s. Thank god. And baby is still exactly where we want her right now.

2 p.m.

The worst has passed and we were very lucky that the worst case scenarios did not come true. We spoke to our friends who stayed in our building at Daytona Beach Shores. The building lost power for about 20 minutes. Our unit appears to have sustained no damage, no water leaks at the windows or doors. There were some gusts that reached over 90mph at the Daytona Beach airport. I have to say the governor did a great job preparing everyone. Always-better safe than sorry!

We’ve been hanging around watching tv and eating. After a while we all went for a little walk to ease the cabin fever, but it’s still a blustery day out there. Good ending to a scary hurricane!

10/6/16 10ish Thursday night

Damn. This is some scary shit. We are already getting some rain, but that should increase by 3:00 a.m.along with increasing wind speeds. So far the hourly predictions are saying it should lessen by tomorrow afternoon. This is a damn storm though, it sounds like guessing to me. As far as I can tell, these storms can turn on a dime. I’m so worried about Jenna going into labor during this storm. I wish she were at the hospital just in case. If she wakes up and feels off in anyway, they will head to the hospital and we will try to keep the dogs calm at home until the storm passes and then meet them there.

I think we’ve done as much to prepare for this as we were able, with our combined limited experience with hurricanes. Now we just hope for the best. I’ll check in occasionally with brief updates. Wish us luck!

Hurricane Matthew

Well, I can now say, firsthand, that having a home in the path of a Category 4 Hurricane is terrifying. We had originally planned to visit Jenna on Thursday and head back to the beach on Saturday. Keep in mind that we got to Daytona on Sunday evening. As of Tuesday, it was clear that the storm was heading towards us. Rick wanted to wait until Thursday morning, but yesterday around noon, Governor Rick Scott made an announcement that the storm was imminent and that if you are on the coast and can evacuate, to do it before mandatory evacuations. I was ready to walk out the door within an hour. Rick resisted, because it was, after all, Poker night. We also found out that all the bridges to the mainland would be closed when wind speeds hit 39 mph. (They are now closing the bridges this evening at 6:00 pm.) After getting a few texts from Jenna, urging us to leave early, I just decided it was time to go. By 7:45 Wednesday evening, our area was under mandatory evacuation.

Wind speeds on the coast are anticipated to be over 130 mph. Where we are now inland in Tavares winds could possibly be as high as 74 mph. At least we are hunkering down together. Jenna’s official due date is 10/11. Her doctor told her the sharp increase (or is it decrease?)  in barometric pressure accompanying large storms often spur on labor in late term pregnancies. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the little princess doesn’t decide to come during the height of the storm.

In the meantime, 10-12 friends of ours who live in our condo building, decided to ignore the evacuation orders and are riding it out in place. We are beyond worried for them and tried to talk them into leaving. Hoping they all stay safe.

 

31!

Last Wednesday was our 31st wedding anniversary. And all I can say is what a difference a year makes. We were so excited to celebrate our 30th last year and it was such a freaking bust. We had originally planned to celebrate it in Croatia where we got married. Then Jenna’s wedding made us put that off (thank god!). Our back-up plan was a few days in Tahoe with friends. Anyway what we got was a hike, a broken arm and a visit with mom in ICU. Anything we did this year would be an improvement!

We started the day with a long walk on the beach and followed it up with a drive down to Ponce Inlet and a seafood lunch and a fruity rum drink on the water. We went to some friends place for happy hour, dinner and played poker with a group of people who play poker here every Wednesday night. And, I won!

We rode out the after effects of Hurricane Hermine after stocking up on water, batteries and canned goods. We had some great rain and dramatic lightening, but nothing too intense.

The weekend took us to Tavares, where we spent a packed Labor Day weekend. We started off on a shopping trip to Orlando, driving there with the top down on the Mustang, which was pretty great! Tyler Krager had never been to an ikea before and it was wildly entertaining. He said he could picture Rick sitting in a room and saying, hmmm, a frying pan, I’m gonna call it Skansken. Nightstand? Hemnes! He walked through there saying let’s grab a couple of Ektorps and a ….. You get the picture. We laughed our butts off!

We bought a crib, a mattress and a wifi video baby monitor. Wow things have changed since I was pregnant. You can’t get a swing for $20 anymore…..We turned one of the guest rooms into a nursery! Poof, just like that! We organized the clothes, the accessories, the toys, the equipment. Seriously, this little girl is set for the first couple of years.

We finished off the weekend with a luncheon shower that Jenna’s coworkers put together for her. It was absolutely lovely! We got to see her office, which was beautiful, complete with a white leather chair and a spectacular view of the lake. Wow, our little girl is a full-fledged grownup! She looks fantastic! And she’s gonna be a mommy so soon! We are over the moon excited!

 

August 2016

It is a little less than two months until Jenna’s due date. The time is passing SO fast! I wondered if we’d ever have grandchildren. And now here we are. I just can’t wait to meet this new little girl! Have you ever just suddenly felt this amazing feeling that everything is right with the world? A feeling of euphoria so complete, that you can’t stop smiling?  Good god, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that. It’s like for a brief moment there is no feeling of grief or fear or worry. Do I really spend that much time focusing on that? I don’t even notice that it is apparently my pretty constant companion. Until it’s gone, and I realize I have to make more of an effort to eradicate the sad thoughts and the worrying.

I think one of the worst parts of losing a parent other than the obvious missing them, is that suddenly your own mortality is right there in your face. You can’t deny it. We are all going to the same place, we just don’t know how or when. I am suddenly terrified of dying. Or living with some horrible disease that requires constant care. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing to admit. After taking my mom’s will and trust to a lawyer to help us, we realized our own existing will and trust was useless. We had a will and a trust, but without actually putting anything into the trust, it was like not having it. So glad that is now taken care of. Plus we really like our new attorney! One less thing to obsess about.

The other thing I noticed regarding the brief moments of feeling like everything is right with the world is that they are fleeting. Very. It takes so little to get you back to the sadness. A cross word, a strange look, you name it. And, seriously, when did I start to be such a freaking hypochondriac? A headache is suddenly a tumor, or a stroke. It’s getting to be ridiculous. TMC hospice sends letters periodically checking in to see how you are handling your grief and they provide reading lists that might help. I suddenly wish I had taken advantage of the grief counseling they provide for the first year after your loss. At the beginning I was in denial that it would affect me so deeply. Then I was busy dealing with the overwhelming list of things to take care of. Now, we are going back and forth to Florida so often, that I don’t know when I’d fit it in and before you know it, it will have been a year. We will be in Florida at that time, helping Jenna with the new baby. And Tyler will be alone here in Tucson on the anniversary of mom’s death. I invited him out for that week, but he doesn’t seem interested. I can’t even bear to think of what that will be like for him.

Sorry this is another depressing post. It’s just what’s going on at the moment. Maybe the beach will cheer me up again-I sure hope so.

July 2016

This is that time of year where every week, every day, makes me think of a year ago today. Last year at this time we were at the beginning of mom’s cancer journey. Some days were hopeful, some happy, some sad but all had an undercurrent of being scared shitless. The year anniversary of taking mom to the ER that first time. The year anniversary of mom’s first meeting of the evil Dr Schroeder. The year anniversary of that arrogant SOB sending her home from the hospital far too soon. And on and on. It sill feels so fresh. So raw.

Jenna came to Tucson mid-month, and her best friends threw her a baby shower at our house. It was a year from the day she came to visit mom before the surgery.  Jenna just received a huge promotion at Florida Hospital, at 6 1/2 months pregnant. She looks amazing and still goes to the gym after work. This young lady is driven! Her husband says he keeps moving her around the country for his job, and she always gets the better job. Cream rises to the top…. I just wish mom could see her grandchildren doing so well. Mom has missed so much…anticipating the arrival of a new baby to the family would have made her so happy. I can still see her eyes looking at me from her hospital bed at Handmaker when she could no longer talk. It still takes my breath away and not in a good way.

We are back in Florida for a few days. We had our new king size bed delivered. Thank god. That queen size was not cutting it. My genius idea this trip was to remove the wallpaper from the master bathroom and paint it. How did I not fully grasp what a monumental task that is? It took us five days of working on 1 bathroom. One more bathroom and the kitchen to go. We plan to just paint over the wallpaper in the guest bath, but we have to remove it in the kitchen before the new cabinets are installed. It is fun seeing it all come together. Exhausting, but fun.

We couldn’t  use our balcony this time, because the whole building is being repainted including the balcony floor. So our half of the building is first and then they’ll move on to the other side. I miss sitting out there in the morning and having my coffee and in the evening as the sun sinks down on the wrong side-lol! As my kids would say, white people problems.

Tyler was at home and Idgie spent her vacation with him. He considered coming along on this trip, but decided to tackle some projects at the house. Mickey’s old hobby room is Tyler’s bedroom, and after finally removing the airplanes from the ceiling and the uplifting war books from the shelves, we transformed the space. The walls are now a happy shade of Wedgwood blue, and all the trim and doors a bright white. Tyler also added some beautiful free form track lighting in the hallway and in his bedroom as well as adding light kits to all the fans so the house no longer looks so dark. I keep prodding him to shed more of the stuff in the house, and he still resists. It’s the little dance we do.

Some photos:

 

 

 

 

It’s coming together

What a great couple of weeks! We accomplished so much, including fitting in a lot of  relaxation. Tyler made his first trip to see the new place last Saturday. Jenna and her husband and some friends were there for a beach day when he arrived. It was so much fun having everyone together at our new little place on the shore. Tyler stayed until Wednesday and although we had high hopes of all kinds of sight-seeing, we only made it over to Tavares and Mount Dora and spent a whole lot of time at the beach. It was really nice! We’ve walked on the beach at least two miles a day, which I know we can’t do in Tucson this time of year. It’s in the 80’s in Daytona and yes, more humid, and my skin has never felt better. At home I’m constantly slathering on creams and lotions-there, not so much. I have to admit, going back to Tucson did not sound great. It was supposed to hit 113 degrees there when we got back-I think it was actually 111, but still. Ugh.

 

Pinch me!

I still can’t believe this is real! As long as I can remember, I have dreamed about having a little place by the ocean. We arrived here a little after midnight on Saturday night. I was so excited, I could hardly sleep that night…. I think I made it about 4 hours. I kept wandering around thinking, oh my god, this place is really ours! We thought we’d get up bright and early on Sunday and pick up our paint and supplies to begin the painful process of eradicating the butt ugly colors in here. That didn’t happen. We just had a lazy first day. Coffee on the balcony while gazing at the ocean….. Jenna came over for a quick trip to the grocery store, a little lunch and lying out in the sun. We met a lot of our neighbors out by the pool-it’s a very friendly group of people!

I think I had every last piece of kitschy artwork off the walls within the first half hour of being here. I placed a rather large pile of it in a corner of the living room. We went to bed early and got up really early on Monday so we could get started on our planned projects. First item on the agenda was getting our patio doors serviced. Two of the three of the floor to ceiling sliding doors did not open. We were concerned that they might have to be replaced. Luckily that was not the case. We had a tough day of gathering our painting supplies and began the search for beach decor and a table and chairs for the balcony. This is SO not Rick’s idea of fun but  I kind of enjoy the decorating part of this process.

I always thought that the Atlantic coast felt weird because the sun doesn’t set in the ocean….whenever I mentioned that, people would tell me that the sunrise is beautiful. I assumed I’d never be up early enough to see it….well, I saw it and it’s true. It is spectacular!

On Tuesday we headed to Lake County to see Jenna and celebrate her 30th birthday. I remember when I turned 30. My mom called me and said “if you’re 30, I’m old!” I refuse to buy into that! Our celebration started with her husband bringing her a new pair of running shoes, which he does every year for her birthday. Only this year he picked a pair to reveal to us the gender of the baby. One would think he would pick a color that would be either pink or blue….but not this guy. He got a pair that were a grayish color, that looked at first glance to be blue. As she opened the box, I saw them and said it’s a boy! It’s not though, it’s a girl! The insole was pink with a pink swoosh on the side of the shoe. Anyway, her dad may have blown that, but we are beyond thrilled to welcome our new granddaughter this October! They haven’t decided on a first name yet, but are thinking Charlotte might be her middle name! Whatever they choose will be great, as far as I’m concerned. I will not put in my two cents on this! My mom suggested Heidi or Erica as a girls name or Wolfgang for our son…..so, yeah, not going there! We went to Leesberg for a great dinner at Turner’s. Jenna has her moms ability to find a great restaurant anywhere!

We headed back to the beach bright and early the next day and immediately began our prep work, spending 11 hours prepping, painting and cleaning up after. We were wiped out! It was so worth it though! We painted every room except the kitchen and bathrooms, and it looks terrific! The next day we felt like we had been in a car accident and couldn’t even drag our butts out to the beach. It was a good feeling though! I just love this place! And every day it feels a little more like us.

 

 

Schnapps

The last 12 hours have been gut wrenching. I was getting ready for bed around 11:30 last night and got a phone call from Tyler. He was so upset I couldn’t really tell what was wrong for a moment. Something was wrong with Schnapps. Tyler had been making himself a late night snack and heard some loud noises coming from the bedroom. He peeked his head in and saw Schnapps having some sort of seizure and went in to pet him and see what was wrong. And just like that he was dead. Poor Tyler is beside himself. I got in my car, drove over, wrapped Schnapps up and got him out of the bedroom, cleaned up and we sat down and had a drink and a cigarette. We have been here before. I know some would say it’s just a cat. They die. But it was almost like losing another part of my mom. Schnapps was my mom’s favorite animal. She was his favorite human. He was the picture of health. A panther of a cat. I saw him at lunch. Nothing out of the ordinary. Five minutes before he died, he had jumped up on the bathroom counter for a drink of water and jumped back down with no problem.

Tyler said if this is the universe trying to desensitize me to death, it isn’t working. His good friend, Chandy, wrote the sweetest Facebook post about him. I’m inserting the photo she posted, along with what she said below.

"Rest in peace to my favorite little furry drinking buddy. I'll miss your early morning antics while I am recovering from a good night at Tyler's and the way you intimidated the begeezus out of me. You will be greatly missed, you giant panther of love."

“Rest in peace to my favorite little furry drinking buddy. I’ll miss your early morning antics while I am recovering from a good night at Tyler’s and the way you intimidated the begeezus out of me. You will be greatly missed, you giant panther of love.”

May 6th, 2016

I love this photo!

                        I love this photo!

How is it that I did not know what a roller coaster from hell this whole grieving thing is? Somehow I was unaware. Knowing logically, that we are supposed to bury our parents, that’s the way it should be, isn’t quite how it feels when you are on the loss side of that statement. While it may make total sense in the abstract, it is of no comfort whatsoever when the reality hits you. Last Friday, the 29th of April, was the six month anniversary of mom’s death. It still seems so unreal….Tyler, Rick and I went to Athens for a quiet dinner and toasted mom. It is so strange that I can feel happy one day and so incredibly sad the next. I can talk to Tyler about how mom lived her life to the fullest and appreciated every day and that she wouldn’t want us to mope around being sad. I can even mean it and believe it. At that moment.

Yesterday I stopped in at World Market and within the first 20 or 30 feet of entering the store, I came across three different sets mothers and daughters out shopping together. About the same ages as my mom and me. I just teared up and had to leave. Why her? Will I ever stop asking myself that question? Will I ever get over the fact that her neurosurgeon, in all likelihood, hastened her death? I’m still filled with rage where he is concerned. And the fact that I have no mother to celebrate for the first time this Mother’s Day is painful beyond belief. I miss her so much. I know we often drove each other crazy, which I think is very normal for strong-willed mothers and daughters, but I would give anything to have her drive me crazy one more time.