This past Monday would have been mom’s 83rd birthday. It’s weird how you can live your life and enjoy what you are doing, and then bam, another jolt that takes you back to the darkest hours. You question yourself. Could I have done things differently? What would I change if I could? Whhhyyyyyyy?

Mom’s close friend, Rosemarie called me on Monday morning because she was thinking of her on her birthday. She said her life isn’t the same since my mom died. Something is just missing. She said the ladies that got together to play canasta every week have not wanted to play since mom got sick. It was something that Rosemarie looked forward to. She did nothing for Thanksgiving and won’t put up a Christmas tree this year. So, if you, for one minute think you don’t matter, you are wrong. I think we all have the power to be a positive force in someone’s life, as mom clearly did in spades.

Tyler put up his Christmas tree in the TV room last weekend and put mom’s tree with her ornaments in the living room. It’s good. After a year in the house, he’s done a great job in making it feel like home for him. It’s a lot of house for a 27 year old. Tyler is traveling around the state for the next several weeks for work and found himself in Prescott, which, believe it or not, does not have a lot of restaurants catering to vegetarians. He found himself at Olive Garden, a restaurant we both always despised, but mom went to every single week. It was a favorite of Mickey’s. Anyway, Tyler was just hit with sadness, sitting there eating that icky excuse for Italian food. We constantly tried to talk her out of that crappy restaurant and go someplace with good food. We would both love to go there with her right now for just one more meal. You just never know what will trigger you.

Jenna and her husband, the other Tyler, are still in a constant state of sleep deprivation. Her greatest fantasy at this point is a night alone in a hotel room. I remember that fantasy well. Today is the first time she has ever left Sloan with a friend so she could get her hair done. It’s hard to do that first time, but healthy nonetheless! She is going back to work on December 21st and is looking forward to it. They love this little sweetie with all their hearts, but are fairly certain she will be an only child-lol! I made a donation to Planned Parenthood in their honor yesterday-it should be good for a laugh, and at this point Planned Parenthood needs the money! Jenna and Tyler are scheduled to close on their new house in January. It’s a wonderful place on half an acre, and we are thrilled for them.

Well, here goes another holiday season…wishing you and yours a peaceful, joyous one!

Last Wednesday was our 31st wedding anniversary. And all I can say is what a difference a year makes. We were so excited to celebrate our 30th last year and it was such a freaking bust. We had originally planned to celebrate it in Croatia where we got married. Then Jenna’s wedding made us put that off (thank god!). Our back-up plan was a few days in Tahoe with friends. Anyway what we got was a hike, a broken arm and a visit with mom in ICU. Anything we did this year would be an improvement!

We started the day with a long walk on the beach and followed it up with a drive down to Ponce Inlet and a seafood lunch and a fruity rum drink on the water. We went to some friends place for happy hour, dinner and played poker with a group of people who play poker here every Wednesday night. And, I won!

We rode out the after effects of Hurricane Hermine after stocking up on water, batteries and canned goods. We had some great rain and dramatic lightening, but nothing too intense.

The weekend took us to Tavares, where we spent a packed Labor Day weekend. We started off on a shopping trip to Orlando, driving there with the top down on the Mustang, which was pretty great! Tyler Krager had never been to an ikea before and it was wildly entertaining. He said he could picture Rick sitting in a room and saying, hmmm, a frying pan, I’m gonna call it Skansken. Nightstand? Hemnes! He walked through there saying let’s grab a couple of Ektorps and a ….. You get the picture. We laughed our butts off!

We bought a crib, a mattress and a wifi video baby monitor. Wow things have changed since I was pregnant. You can’t get a swing for $20 anymore…..We turned one of the guest rooms into a nursery! Poof, just like that! We organized the clothes, the accessories, the toys, the equipment. Seriously, this little girl is set for the first couple of years.

We finished off the weekend with a luncheon shower that Jenna’s coworkers put together for her. It was absolutely lovely! We got to see her office, which was beautiful, complete with a white leather chair and a spectacular view of the lake. Wow, our little girl is a full-fledged grownup! She looks fantastic! And she’s gonna be a mommy so soon! We are over the moon excited!

It is a little less than two months until Jenna’s due date. The time is passing SO fast! I wondered if we’d ever have grandchildren. And now here we are. I just can’t wait to meet this new little girl! Have you ever just suddenly felt this amazing feeling that everything is right with the world? A feeling of euphoria so complete, that you can’t stop smiling?  Good god, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that. It’s like for a brief moment there is no feeling of grief or fear or worry. Do I really spend that much time focusing on that? I don’t even notice that it is apparently my pretty constant companion. Until it’s gone, and I realize I have to make more of an effort to eradicate the sad thoughts and the worrying.

I think one of the worst parts of losing a parent other than the obvious missing them, is that suddenly your own mortality is right there in your face. You can’t deny it. We are all going to the same place, we just don’t know how or when. I am suddenly terrified of dying. Or living with some horrible disease that requires constant care. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing to admit. After taking my mom’s will and trust to a lawyer to help us, we realized our own existing will and trust was useless. We had a will and a trust, but without actually putting anything into the trust, it was like not having it. So glad that is now taken care of. Plus we really like our new attorney! One less thing to obsess about.

The other thing I noticed regarding the brief moments of feeling like everything is right with the world is that they are fleeting. Very. It takes so little to get you back to the sadness. A cross word, a strange look, you name it. And, seriously, when did I start to be such a freaking hypochondriac? A headache is suddenly a tumor, or a stroke. It’s getting to be ridiculous. TMC hospice sends letters periodically checking in to see how you are handling your grief and they provide reading lists that might help. I suddenly wish I had taken advantage of the grief counseling they provide for the first year after your loss. At the beginning I was in denial that it would affect me so deeply. Then I was busy dealing with the overwhelming list of things to take care of. Now, we are going back and forth to Florida so often, that I don’t know when I’d fit it in and before you know it, it will have been a year. We will be in Florida at that time, helping Jenna with the new baby. And Tyler will be alone here in Tucson on the anniversary of mom’s death. I invited him out for that week, but he doesn’t seem interested. I can’t even bear to think of what that will be like for him.

Sorry this is another depressing post. It’s just what’s going on at the moment. Maybe the beach will cheer me up again-I sure hope so.