Every time I’m at mom’s, I expect to hear her voice or her laugh. Or see her walk in to the room-because I remember her walking. Not with a walker or sitting in a wheelchair or lying in that damn hospital bed, just the way she used to be….happy and healthy and full of life. I know missing her could go on forever, but I hope at some point it won’t make me as sad. On Wednesday, I had to meet the delivery guys for the new dishwasher Tyler bought. (Her dishwasher was awful! It sounded like a jet engine…..for about four and a half hours) I got to visit with a few people while I was there. Penny and Fritz came by, Steve came by and later Patricia came by too. I so thoroughly enjoyed visiting with each one of them. I love the feel of that house and it makes me so happy that Tyler will live there soon! Seriously, the best neighbors in the world!

I have been in and out of there so often lately. I can’t really get in to cleaning things out and getting them out of there, but I can condense……. My goal was to get one closet cleaned out so that Tyler has at least one closet that is his, and his alone. I finally accomplished that today, but it was not easy in any way, shape or form. And without Rick’s help, I probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as I did. I tend to go in slow motion doing this kind of thing. Every item has some history that takes me someplace else. We also had to make one more trip to the countertop place, because the one I picked first was too small. I never have been good at judging that kind of thing. This time Tyler came along to weigh in, because, well, he should! Everything is coming along beautifully, but it has been so slow. I got my mom’s patience.

When I woke up this morning, I had the most beautiful message from my old friend, Elsa, from when we were kids. I love knowing that we are not alone dealing with our grief, there are so many people who share it or have us in their hearts. It is a great feeling! The message might have had a little religion in it, but as much as I’m not religious, I’ll gladly accept any kind of good vibes, whether they are in prayer form or not. And I totally respect everyone’s beliefs, even when I don’t particularly share them. As I always thought, one of us is correct, but we’ll never know until it’s too late……

We are planning mom’s celebration of life the weekend after Christmas. December 27th at 2:00 in the afternoon is the tentative plan. Andreas is opening Athens for us on Sunday, so we get the whole place. I personally think the days right after Christmas are kind of a letdown and it’s nice to have a little something to look forward to. No day is good for everyone, and Mom loved this time of year. So, why not? Plus, Jenna and her new husband will be here for Christmas this year for the first time since they moved to Texas!

Thank you for all the lovely condolence cards. I cannot wrap my head around the stack that is growing every day. Mom was so lucky to have you all in her life! And so am I!

Today marks six years since my best friend, Valarie died. How can another year have gone by already? And what a year it’s been. I wish I could hit rewind and go back at least one year. I woke up this morning in the deepest funk. An uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. A part of me just wants to crawl back in bed and assume the fetal position. After the three mugs of coffee I downed, that is highly unlikely though. Some days are better than others but today is not one of them.

Jenna and I used to watch Sex and The City together when one of us was down. When my friend Carol’s son died two years ago, she and I spent many hours doing the same. Thursday seemed like it was a good day for it. Taylor brought over mom’s ashes in the morning and the accompanying death certificates. I couldn’t seem to get anything done after that. I spent hours looking for mom’s favorite heart pendant on the beautiful and very expensive chain she got for it back in August. Where the hell did I put it? I finally threw in the towel and put on a Sex and The City dvd. The first episode was good, the second one was the one where Miranda’s mom dies of a heart attack and her funeral. Not so uplifting……

Tyler and I were talking yesterday about the things we miss. God, there are so many. I can’t begin to name all the times I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and talk to my mom about this or that. Or to ask her advice on something. But the surprise is how many of the people who were such a big part of our lives the last few months are also kind of gone. It’s not like we’ve spent much time with our own friends these last months, but we have spent a lot of time seeing or talking or texting with so many of mom’s friends, who were so close to her……. We miss you guys too. I know we have to find our way and get accustomed to yet another new normal. But what else?

On Tuesday morning I finally unpacked mom’s bags that have been sitting in my laundry room since early Thursday morning. Every single piece of clothing reminded me of something-a good memory, a bad one, a regular day, whatever……it smelled like her. And then there were all of the get well cards….if only! Sweet Jesus she had so many muumuus-I don’t even know HOW to spell that (gut instinct is moo moo, but I doubt that is correct!) I decided to keep the prettiest (if that is possible) and the ugliest, just in case anyone ever has a luau with prizes given for ugliest. And here and there a frog for her collection. All of it was so tough to look at and to handle.

I realized I hadn’t really cleaned my house in ages. I was never around here enough to do it, except in the evening, but by then I was always wiped out. Rick helped with that here and there, but he’s a guy, we don’t have the same definition of clean. That went along for a while and then my mom’s older sister from Germany called and I was back in tears again. A little while later Mickey’s granddaughter contacted me wanting to know what happened since she saw something on Facebook. That was a long conversation.

Tyler is struggling with his grief and to top it off he had a $1000 car repair bill and also needs tires and a battery. Then he got home and his bedroom tv died. Not a good week for my son. Poor guy, it was bad enough before all of that nonsense. Mom’s hospice nurse, Carrie, called and offered the help of a bereavement counselor. Have to admit, it might not be a bad idea…..

I went to happy hour with the girls on Tuesday afternoon. I enjoyed seeing them immensely, but I actually felt a little more sad after happy hour. No idea why-just did. Wednesday was a day spent dealing with Tyler’s car issues and a sushi lunch bonus. I found out I can’t deal with any of the legalities yet, thank god, because I don’t have the death certificates yet. Once they come, a whole new part time job-not a fun one though…..

When, exactly, is this supposed to get even a little bit easier? Please let it be soon. I know in my heart that being with mom at the end is something we are glad we were able to do for her. But, holy crap, it was not good for us. I can’t get it out of my mind, and I’m in my fifties……. Tyler is only 25. He was not in any way prepared for the continuous loop playing in his head. He is already devastated to lose his Oma, but Jesus, that picture. It just won’t go away.

We huddled together from Wednesday to Sunday. Sunday was the first day we saw anybody other than the three of us. It was a good diversion to see a few friends that stopped by, but as the evening wore on, I became more and more worried about Tyler. He just wasn’t ready to leave, but knew he needed to…..His boss texted him and told him not to rush it, that he could take whatever time he needed. It’s a great group of people he works with. Jenna had to grieve on her own, although we talked a lot over the weekend. I’m glad she had lots of love and support from her husband, friends and coworkers.

The work at mom’s is under way and looking good. It’s sad that she wasn’t able to see it since she was so insistent that these things be done. We are thinking that Tyler will move in this weekend or next at the latest. We will probably stay with him for the first night or two…..it will be a strange feeling for him being there alone. Everything is baby steps at this point. 

Very soon, I will have to start having to deal with the business part of dying. I am so not looking forward to that. In fact I am dreading it. I don’t know where on earth to start. A good friend suggested the mortuary has a checklist, and instructions for what to do. I’m sure I can google it and get some direction too and now that I am not spending every day at Handmaker, I should have plenty of time to do it……

Today was the first day mom’s obituary was in the paper. It’ll be in again tomorrow. It was tough to write, but even tougher to see. Another thing that painfully took my breath away.

Jenna’s best friend (and maid of honor) and her husband Russell and their baby, Sawyer, came by in the morning and brought us an entire dinner for tonight. Vegetarian, even! How sweet is that? I have to admit putting together food the last few days has been difficult. We’ve had friends want to get together for dinner, but the idea of sitting in a restaurant sounded awful.

We went to the Olive Garden for lunch today (God, how I hate that food!). We needed to tell Mom’s friend Jean in person. She has battled and overcome several different cancers in her life and when she found out about mom’s brain cancer, she was devastated. I knew she wouldn’t take the news of her death well and I was right…..tough lunch.

I hope to get a date set for the celebration of life in the next few weeks, and will post it here. I thought about doing it by mail but mom had very few addresses written down. So that would be hard.

Tyler will most likely move in to moms house soon. He is taking her death very hard and I think moving in won’t be that easy for him. We’ve also talked about how the Thanksgiving weekend will go….it being mom’s 82nd birthday and all. We may just get out of town for that weekend. Dinner for the 3 of us seems SO depressing. The things you think about.

Mom died peacefully at 12:30 in the morning. Tyler and I were with her, talking to her and holding her hand. It was a long day. We had been there just under 12 hours, with a short lunch break. We decided to go home and call it a day, thinking if she wanted us there when she decided to go, she had ample opportunity. Maybe she was one of the people who wanted to go alone…we’ve done some reading on the topic. We went home and had a drink, and a couple of cigarettes, and a quick bite to eat. Tyler and I got to talking about the fact that it was the 28th, and we both had a feeling about the symmetry or poetry of the date being exactly one month before her 82nd birthday. A little after 11 we decided to go back and sit with her until midnight just in case she changed her mind and wanted us there. We started noticing a change in her breathing and started to talk to her more and more and as her breathing changed she opened her eyes wide and looked at us, which she had not done all day. We continued to tell her how much we love her and what a good mom and Oma she has been and how she could go peacefully and know we would all be okay but we would miss her. I’ve never seen anyone die before and I will never forget the look in her eyes, but I am so glad we were there for her so she did not have to be alone.

We stayed with her for a little while longer, and picked up her things and went home before the hospice nurse and the mortuary people came. Neither one of us could watch her being taken away on a gurney for her last ride. We came back to our house and talked a while longer and Tyler spent the night. I can’t believe it’s over. I know what her life had become was not what she wanted. I thought there would be a greater feeling of relief than there is. There is a certain degree of relief, but much more of sadness and a kind of sick empty feeling. There wasn’t a lot of my mom left, but it was something. I can’t believe that 4 months ago she was in Europe on vacation and now she is gone…..

Thank you to all the wonderful friends who have made this journey a little less lonely for us and for showing my mom the love you felt for her. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Today’s post is probably next to the worst one I will have to write. I met with hospice this morning at 8:30. We discussed her current ups and downs before entering her room, where she was sleeping soundly, albeit noisily. Carrie, the hospice nurse was able to change her bandage and she never woke up. This is very unusual.

Upon close observation, we found that the skin on her legs and feet had become mottled. This had not been the case yesterday. Her breathing has become labored, congested and extremely loud.

Tyler met us here before his 10 a.m. appointment. It was very difficult for him to leave but he was able to cancel his work related trip to Phoenix and come back to Handmaker. Sara, the social worker from hospice told us that our natural inclination is to try to stay here and be with her as she passes, but that her instinct is to protect us from that. So, I am trying to talk myself into walking out the door. But I can’t seem to…..

Monday was odd after the last three days….when I got there Nellie and Helga were both there. Mom was very quiet but woke up more as time went on. After Nelli and Helga left we had some one on one time before Gina came. Mom was even more awake by then. It was the most lively day since Thursday. After awhile I left Gina and mom alone to go to her house and try to figure out what was going on with her microwave, which mysteriously stopped working along with some of the outlets in the kitchen. Crap! I don’t have the time or energy for this kind of stuff right now! We are counting on Tyler to come by at lunch to check on the cats-if he can’t heat his lunch, it’s a problem! Rick is planning to check it out tomorrow and see if it’s something simple or if we need an electrician.

I have no idea what made me think I could go over and figure it out…… When I got back, mom was moaning but awake- so different again from earlier in the day. This up and down stuff is taking me to my knees. I can only imagine what it is like for my mom.

Tuesday morning found her very quiet again. Bob came and we visited for a while. It’s so much easier to be there with someone else than alone. It just isn’t that much fun watching someone sleep or trying to carry on a conversation when all you get is a basic yes or no or sometimes much less. I did finally get her to eat some pasta fagioli soup that I made yesterday and put in a food processor to make it smoother and easier for her to eat. I stayed until around 3 then came back after 5, which gave me enough time to go home and get dinner together so that we could eat when we got back. She was talking a little again and eating very little. We were home again a little before 7. I have my alarm set to get up early to meet the hospice nurse and social worker again. They want to meet again to discuss her condition, which is what exactly?

I heard from the newlyweds late Friday night. They had a wonderful honeymoon and sounded very happy, despite the fact that they were delayed by 4 hours, flew through storms and got stuck in Dallas overnight because of the bad weather. All hotels around the airport were sold out….so they got to spend the night in the airport and fly to San Antonio through more storms, first thing in the morning to get their truck.

I saw mom in the early afternoon (after doing yard work at my house), and again later, leaving around 6:45. She hadn’t eaten much earlier, but I brought her some spinach empanadas and lentil soup from Patricia and she ate quite a bit and seemed to enjoy it. Food isn’t quite as big in her life as it once was. I’d be happy to go and get her anything at this point but I would say the days of cravings are long gone.

When I got to Handmaker on Sunday, Eduardo told me she’s not having a good day.  It was obvious, and as much as we would all like to believe things are fine, they’re just not, and saying they are, or pretending that’s the case, just won’t make it so. Sorry for being the voice of reason. I brought mom another empanada and some more soup, and she looked pained as she ate it, and then she started choking. I mean really choking where I had to yank her up and pound on her back as she was turning purple. It was terrifying. I finally got her to cough up some, but, yikes. I will never feed her again without another person in the room. Ever. I was shaking for about a half hour…..And yes I hit the call button, they’re just not that fast. I should have run into the hall and called for someone but it never crossed my mind.

A few of her friends came by to visit and Stan did manage to get some potato salad in her. But the swallowing thing isn’t working as well as it once did. She is still grimacing quite a bit and it does look like pain but who the hell knows. I left after she dozed off and came by a little later. She was in a different position with a different gown, but asleep. There was no waking her and she was making all kinds of noises both in breathing, mumbling  and moaning.

Her disease really has progressed quickly but it sure doesn’t feel like time has passed as quickly. It feels like the longest three months of my life. One of her friends mentioned yesterday that she will never live in a nursing home while she was visiting my mom in a…wait for it…nursing home. Really? I suggest you choose your illness very carefully, because sometimes there is no better alternative. I would love for mom to be in the guest room in my house, and if it weren’t for all the freaking stairs, she would be.

Have you ever felt that you were just kind of sleep-walking through your life? Haha me neither…..but these last few months, absolutely. I don’t feel like myself, I’m over-reacting when I shouldn’t be. I’m no fun anymore.