August | 2016 | Where are the Rogers?

It is a little less than two months until Jenna’s due date. The time is passing SO fast! I wondered if we’d ever have grandchildren. And now here we are. I just can’t wait to meet this new little girl! Have you ever just suddenly felt this amazing feeling that everything is right with the world? A feeling of euphoria so complete, that you can’t stop smiling? Good god, it’s been so long since I’ve felt that. It’s like for a brief moment there is no feeling of grief or fear or worry. Do I really spend that much time focusing on that? I don’t even notice that it is apparently my pretty constant companion. Until it’s gone, and I realize I have to make more of an effort to eradicate the sad thoughts and the worrying.

I think one of the worst parts of losing a parent other than the obvious missing them, is that suddenly your own mortality is right there in your face. You can’t deny it. We are all going to the same place, we just don’t know how or when. I am suddenly terrified of dying. Or living with some horrible disease that requires constant care. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing to admit. After taking my mom’s will and trust to a lawyer to help us, we realized our own existing will and trust was useless. We had a will and a trust, but without actually putting anything into the trust, it was like not having it. So glad that is now taken care of. Plus we really like our new attorney! One less thing to obsess about.

The other thing I noticed regarding the brief moments of feeling like everything is right with the world is that they are fleeting. Very. It takes so little to get you back to the sadness. A cross word, a strange look, you name it. And, seriously, when did I start to be such a freaking hypochondriac? A headache is suddenly a tumor, or a stroke. It’s getting to be ridiculous. TMC hospice sends letters periodically checking in to see how you are handling your grief and they provide reading lists that might help. I suddenly wish I had taken advantage of the grief counseling they provide for the first year after your loss. At the beginning I was in denial that it would affect me so deeply. Then I was busy dealing with the overwhelming list of things to take care of. Now, we are going back and forth to Florida so often, that I don’t know when I’d fit it in and before you know it, it will have been a year. We will be in Florida at that time, helping Jenna with the new baby. And Tyler will be alone here in Tucson on the anniversary of mom’s death. I invited him out for that week, but he doesn’t seem interested. I can’t even bear to think of what that will be like for him.

Sorry this is another depressing post. It’s just what’s going on at the moment. Maybe the beach will cheer me up again-I sure hope so.

This is that time of year where every week, every day, makes me think of a year ago today. Last year at this time we were at the beginning of mom’s cancer journey. Some days were hopeful, some happy, some sad but all had an undercurrent of being scared shitless. The year anniversary of taking mom to the ER that first time. The year anniversary of mom’s first meeting of the evil Dr Schroeder. The year anniversary of that arrogant SOB sending her home from the hospital far too soon. And on and on. It sill feels so fresh. So raw.

Jenna came to Tucson mid-month, and her best friends threw her a baby shower at our house. It was a year from the day she came to visit mom before the surgery. Jenna just received a huge promotion at Florida Hospital, at 6 1/2 months pregnant. She looks amazing and still goes to the gym after work. This young lady is driven! Her husband says he keeps moving her around the country for his job, and she always gets the better job. Cream rises to the top…. I just wish mom could see her grandchildren doing so well. Mom has missed so much…anticipating the arrival of a new baby to the family would have made her so happy. I can still see her eyes looking at me from her hospital bed at Handmaker when she could no longer talk. It still takes my breath away and not in a good way.

We are back in Florida for a few days. We had our new king size bed delivered. Thank god. That queen size was not cutting it. My genius idea this trip was to remove the wallpaper from the master bathroom and paint it. How did I not fully grasp what a monumental task that is? It took us five days of working on 1 bathroom. One more bathroom and the kitchen to go. We plan to just paint over the wallpaper in the guest bath, but we have to remove it in the kitchen before the new cabinets are installed. It is fun seeing it all come together. Exhausting, but fun.

We couldn’t use our balcony this time, because the whole building is being repainted including the balcony floor. So our half of the building is first and then they’ll move on to the other side. I miss sitting out there in the morning and having my coffee and in the evening as the sun sinks down on the wrong side-lol! As my kids would say, white people problems.

Tyler was at home and Idgie spent her vacation with him. He considered coming along on this trip, but decided to tackle some projects at the house. Mickey’s old hobby room is Tyler’s bedroom, and after finally removing the airplanes from the ceiling and the uplifting war books from the shelves, we transformed the space. The walls are now a happy shade of Wedgwood blue, and all the trim and doors a bright white. Tyler also added some beautiful free form track lighting in the hallway and in his bedroom as well as adding light kits to all the fans so the house no longer looks so dark. I keep prodding him to shed more of the stuff in the house, and he still resists. It’s the little dance we do.

Some photos: