Monthly Archives: November 2015

San Diego

image image

 

San Diego is pretty beautiful right now. Usually, once a year there is the King Tide, when the tide comes in the farthest, so there is quite a bit of coastal flooding. It is really pretty. We have been enjoying some nice down time. We’ve taken lots of long walks on the boardwalk and to Trader Joe’s and most recently to CVS. Tyler started to feel kind of crappy on Thursday night, and Friday morning woke up with a full blown cold. My theory is that this is the first time he has been able to just sit still in months, and his body decided it was a great time to go ahead and get sick….and so he did. We have stocked up on stuff for vegetarian soup, and picked up mucinex, zicam, chamomile tea, honey, and cough drops. Keeping our fingers crossed that all of this helps. In the meantime, there is a lot of movie watching and random snacking, interspersed with me taking Idgie on walks.

I’ve done a lot of internet shopping the last couple of days, which has been fun. No crowds, no parking hassles-it works for me. I’ve tried to order something from the Michael Kors website twice in the last few days. All I can say, is don’t bother with that stupid site! I placed my order yesterday, received a confirmation email and two hours later received a notice that they did not have the product I ordered. If you can take an order, you need to be able to process and ship it, otherwise there is no point in having online ordering! Very annoying! I may have written them a note to let them know what I think of their site…..surprise!

By Friday evening, Tyler just wanted to rest and we had quite a few leftovers, so Rick and I headed out for some delicious seafood. The Pacific Beach Fish Shop usually has long lines, but on this chilly evening after Thanksgiving, was pretty quiet. We got home quickly and settled in for a nice evening of TV watching by the fireplace.

On Saturday morning Rick and I took Idgie for a long walk to Mission Beach before the 9:00 a.m. cutoff for dogs. No dogs on the beach between 9-4. We had planned to go to one of our favorite breakfast places, The Mission, but you seriously have to plan for about 30 minutes of standing in line to get in. And poor Tyler just didn’t feel up to it. We are hoping he will feel well enough to go out to dinner tonight, it being our last night here.

Mom would have been 82 today. I really can’t believe she is no longer here and we will never see her again. She was so damn healthy and lived such a clean life-it still doesn’t seem possible. How did it go so fast? When will I stop feeling bad about missed opportunities to spend more time with her? I always felt we had so much time… I think of so many people with so many health issues, or who didn’t take as good of care of themselves, that live so long, to such old ages. And my mom is gone-where is the justice in that?

Tuesday, November 24th

Every day brings a new surprise. On Sunday, Tyler and I worked very hard to unpack all of his belongings and find a place for everything. This has not been an easy task. It probably would be easier if we could part with mom’s things. We are trying to avoid a lot of that at this early date and so continued to try to condense and organize.

I found out that I come by my need to buy shoes naturally. The closet she kept her shoes in was a total disaster. It seemed so out of character…. I dove right in and found about 15 pairs of shoes that had never been worn in addition to 3 large bags full of shoes that are most likely on their way to Goodwill. It seemed to be the one area where I had no great attachment. But I did keep a few pair…If anyone wants to see if there are any shoes you might want, please let me know.

The phone rang in the afternoon and it was someone mom had known for many years. She is the niece of old friends of hers. We heard the message the lady left asking if she could have lunch with mom on Friday, and knew it was a call we had to answer. These calls are always long and difficult. When I gave her the news about mom she told me all about what an impact mom had on her and her family. I get this so often! It was a recurring theme in the sympathy cards we recieved and hearing the stories has been awesome! The more little pieces I learn about her, the more inspiring it is.

By Monday morning I finished up everything that needed to be dealt with now and finally left shortly before noon. I then made the rounds to banks closing credit and debit cards and leaving death certificates. Nothing but fun stuff.

On Tuesday morning we finally got an engineer from Southwest Gas over here and found out we had two choices. They could relocate the meter and a plumber would have to re-do all the remaining gas lines which would leave our front yard looking like it was bombed, right before the holidays…..Or we have a plumber just come and fix the leak. Of course, nothing can be done until Monday. So the second choice seems most likely. Having the front of the yard destroyed before the holidays is out of the question. A third option would be welcome!

Off to San Diego in the morning for the long holiday weekend……

The move

Most of Friday was spent at the house, cleaning and trying to get it ready for the new occupant. The countertop was miraculously installed just before I was ready to hire someone else. It. Looks. Amazing….If I do say so myself. Everything came together in a very elegant way without losing sight of the fact that the bathroom is in a house that was built in the 1930’s. We went out to dinner with friends for a much needed fun night. I haven’t been the best of company lately and friends who are willing to put up with me right now are much appreciated! It was a great diversion.

Saturday was the day of the big move, which in timing alone was a huge challenge. Tyler was at his apartment and up half the night packing up his belongings, so an early start was out of the question. Rick HAD to be home in time to watch the U of A/ ASU football game which started at 1:30. The window of opportunity was very small. A couple of Tyler’s friends thankfully came and helped-and how we needed them. So, at this point, the house looks like a tornado hit, with boxes and crap everywhere! This causes me great anxiety. That German need for order…… Tyler needs to decide what goes where and I can help from there. But the waiting for that is excruciating….

To top it all off, we have spent the last two nights there, due to the gas leak at our house. I think I may just have to brave the cold and sleep at home tonight. This camping out over there is hard. I can’t just sit still there. I need to be doing. Constantly. Mom’s cats are having to get to know Tyler’s cat, so the hissing and growling is interesting background noise. And seriously, the disarray is more than I can bear-but I know I’ve mentioned that already. Plus the reality/finality of this is sinking in.

The living room is starting to look like Tyler lives there. His artwork is up, some colorful pillows are on the couches (thank you to Patricia for picking some new ones up for us at ikea yesterday) and we have done some major de-cluttering. It’s sad to realize that all the flotsam and jetsam of our lives, that we happily collect and display, just winds up being clutter to those who come after us. It doesn’t matter if it’s cheap trinkets or expensive collectibles, it’s generally just junk to someone else. I’m sitting in my living room now, looking around trying to think of what our kids will do with our stuff (and feeling the need to further de-clutter here). I have collected minerals (rocks) for many years, which thankfully, can be introduced to any decor…… But some of it will be totally without meaning or value to them, no doubt. Even the style of art we collect is a matter of taste and in all likelihood my taste is different than yours or his or hers. I personally, do not care for anything southwestern or desert-y. I prefer something more modern or abstract. One of the many things that make us different from one another. The stacks of mom’s art that will not remain there is growing, but a surprising amount will stay, just re-arranged in a way that makes more sense to fresh eyes. When the tornado stage passes, I will take some photos and post them here.

Thursday, November 19th

On Saturday evening, the 14th, Tyler and I went to an art auction/fundraiser for SAAF. We went last year too. I absolutely LOVE silent auctions! Last year I bought 4 pieces, this year only three (I’m hoping it continues that way). This year I got in on the live auction as well and it was a blast! I totally drove the price up on several things, but didn’t win any of them. I don’t recommend this tactic unless you are ready to go through with it though. The auctioneer’s assistant came up and thanked me afterward…..

Tyler’s 26th birthday was on Sunday. It was the first of many special days where we will miss the early (usually very early) phone calls from my mom. No dinner with her. No special cake that she made. Needless to say, the day just didn’t feel quite right. We tried to start moving a few of Tyler’s things in, but after the first carload, we called it a day. We talked about all the days in the near future that will be tough. It still feels so unreal. The work at mom’s house is pretty much done except for the countertop. It’s turned in to quite the pain in the butt. I’m getting pretty close to ditching the guy who is supposed to do it and start elsewhere.

Monday morning found me at my desk with the list of items I need to take care of. I made all the calls to the VA, DFAS, Social Security, and got a start on the credit card companies. The good news is that I found my mom’s favorite necklace and her rings. Apparently I stuck them in her wallet the last TMC trip. I no longer kept it in my purse, so it didn’t even occur to me that I hadn’t looked there. I’m still having a hard time figuring out who her accountant is….if anyone knows, please let me know. I’ve been looking for previous years tax returns and have had no luck. The estate attorney put that on my list of things to do……

Here’s a random thing that happened. I know my mom’s good friends know the story of her younger sister, Gisela, who died the week before mom…Well, Gisela’s daughter sent me an email extending her condolences and trying to reconnect after all these years. A very sweet gesture, which makes me a little uncomfortable. Gisela’s actions basically tore the family apart over 50 years ago, and I keep asking myself how my mom would feel about this…..as with so many things, I am electing to not deal with it just yet. All I can think about are the family members who stood in solidarity with my mom…… If you just read that and it made no sense, never mind. It’s a long story that can not bear repeating at this late date.

Today sucked. I went to my regular dentist appointment. My oral hygiene habits are pretty damned amazing, it’s how I was raised. Brushing, flossing and inter proximal brushing every day. I found out today that I have major bone loss in one particular area and was referred to a periodontist. To me, Periodontists are for people who don’t take care of their teeth. Nothing showed up 18 months ago when I had my last x-rays. I have no idea how this can happen so quickly…..I’m taking this pretty hard-maybe overdoing it, but it bugs the hell out of me.

Later in the evening Tyler came over to have dinner with us and help us move something and we noticed a pronounced gas smell in the garage and called Southwest Gas. We have a gas leak. They don’t know where exactly, but we are in for some major plumbing issues. They turned the gas off to the house. So, no cooking, no showering, no heat. Seriously? Shit. Enough, already!

Friday, November 13th

Every time I’m at mom’s, I expect to hear her voice or her laugh. Or see her walk in to the room-because I remember her walking. Not with a walker or sitting in a wheelchair or lying in that damn hospital bed, just the way she used to be….happy and healthy and full of life. I know missing her could go on forever, but I hope at some point it won’t make me as sad. On Wednesday, I had to meet the delivery guys for the new dishwasher Tyler bought. (Her dishwasher was awful! It sounded like a jet engine…..for about four and a half hours) I got to visit with a few people while I was there. Penny and Fritz came by, Steve came by and later Patricia came by too. I so thoroughly enjoyed visiting with each one of them. I love the feel of that house and it makes me so happy that Tyler will live there soon! Seriously, the best neighbors in the world!

I have been in and out of there so often lately. I can’t really get in to cleaning things out and getting them out of there, but I can condense……. My goal was to get one closet cleaned out so that Tyler has at least one closet that is his, and his alone. I finally accomplished that today, but it was not easy in any way, shape or form. And without Rick’s help, I probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as I did. I tend to go in slow motion doing this kind of thing. Every item has some history that takes me someplace else. We also had to make one more trip to the countertop place, because the one I picked first was too small. I never have been good at judging that kind of thing. This time Tyler came along to weigh in, because, well, he should! Everything is coming along beautifully, but it has been so slow. I got my mom’s patience.

When I woke up this morning, I had the most beautiful message from my old friend, Elsa, from when we were kids. I love knowing that we are not alone dealing with our grief, there are so many people who share it or have us in their hearts. It is a great feeling! The message might have had a little religion in it, but as much as I’m not religious, I’ll gladly accept any kind of good vibes, whether they are in prayer form or not. And I totally respect everyone’s beliefs, even when I don’t particularly share them. As I always thought, one of us is correct, but we’ll never know until it’s too late……

We are planning mom’s celebration of life the weekend after Christmas. December 27th at 2:00 in the afternoon is the tentative plan. Andreas is opening Athens for us on Sunday, so we get the whole place. I personally think the days right after Christmas are kind of a letdown and it’s nice to have a little something to look forward to. No day is good for everyone, and Mom loved this time of year. So, why not? Plus, Jenna and her new husband will be here for Christmas this year for the first time since they moved to Texas!

Thank you for all the lovely condolence cards. I cannot wrap my head around the stack that is growing every day. Mom was so lucky to have you all in her life! And so am I!

Sunday, November 8th

Today marks six years since my best friend, Valarie died. How can another year have gone by already? And what a year it’s been. I wish I could hit rewind and go back at least one year. I woke up this morning in the deepest funk. An uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. A part of me just wants to crawl back in bed and assume the fetal position. After the three mugs of coffee I downed, that is highly unlikely though. Some days are better than others but today is not one of them.

Jenna and I used to watch Sex and The City together when one of us was down. When my friend Carol’s son died two years ago, she and I spent many hours doing the same. Thursday seemed like it was a good day for it. Taylor brought over mom’s ashes in the morning and the accompanying death certificates. I couldn’t seem to get anything done after that. I spent hours looking for mom’s favorite heart pendant on the beautiful and very expensive chain she got for it back in August. Where the hell did I put it? I finally threw in the towel and put on a Sex and The City dvd. The first episode was good, the second one was the one where Miranda’s mom dies of a heart attack and her funeral. Not so uplifting……

Tyler and I were talking yesterday about the things we miss. God, there are so many. I can’t begin to name all the times I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and talk to my mom about this or that. Or to ask her advice on something. But the surprise is how many of the people who were such a big part of our lives the last few months are also kind of gone. It’s not like we’ve spent much time with our own friends these last months, but we have spent a lot of time seeing or talking or texting with so many of mom’s friends, who were so close to her……. We miss you guys too. I know we have to find our way and get accustomed to yet another new normal. But what else?

Wednesday, November 4th

On Tuesday morning I finally unpacked mom’s bags that have been sitting in my laundry room since early Thursday morning. Every single piece of clothing reminded me of something-a good memory, a bad one, a regular day, whatever……it smelled like her. And then there were all of the get well cards….if only! Sweet Jesus she had so many muumuus-I don’t even know HOW to spell that (gut instinct is moo moo, but I doubt that is correct!) I decided to keep the prettiest (if that is possible) and the ugliest, just in case anyone ever has a luau with prizes given for ugliest. And here and there a frog for her collection. All of it was so tough to look at and to handle.

I realized I hadn’t really cleaned my house in ages. I was never around here enough to do it, except in the evening, but by then I was always wiped out. Rick helped with that here and there, but he’s a guy, we don’t have the same definition of clean. That went along for a while and then my mom’s older sister from Germany called and I was back in tears again. A little while later Mickey’s granddaughter contacted me wanting to know what happened since she saw something on Facebook. That was a long conversation.

Tyler is struggling with his grief and to top it off he had a $1000 car repair bill and also needs tires and a battery. Then he got home and his bedroom tv died. Not a good week for my son. Poor guy, it was bad enough before all of that nonsense. Mom’s hospice nurse, Carrie, called and offered the help of a bereavement counselor. Have to admit, it might not be a bad idea…..

I went to happy hour with the girls on Tuesday afternoon. I enjoyed seeing them immensely, but I actually felt a little more sad after happy hour. No idea why-just did. Wednesday was a day spent dealing with Tyler’s car issues and a sushi lunch bonus. I found out I can’t deal with any of the legalities yet, thank god, because I don’t have the death certificates yet. Once they come, a whole new part time job-not a fun one though…..

Monday, November 2nd

When, exactly, is this supposed to get even a little bit easier? Please let it be soon. I know in my heart that being with mom at the end is something we are glad we were able to do for her. But, holy crap, it was not good for us. I can’t get it out of my mind, and I’m in my fifties……. Tyler is only 25. He was not in any way prepared for the continuous loop playing in his head. He is already devastated to lose his Oma, but Jesus, that picture. It just won’t go away.

We huddled together from Wednesday to Sunday. Sunday was the first day we saw anybody other than the three of us. It was a good diversion to see a few friends that stopped by, but as the evening wore on, I became more and more worried about Tyler. He just wasn’t ready to leave, but knew he needed to…..His boss texted him and told him not to rush it, that he could take whatever time he needed. It’s a great group of people he works with. Jenna had to grieve on her own, although we talked a lot over the weekend. I’m glad she had lots of love and support from her husband, friends and coworkers.

The work at mom’s is under way and looking good. It’s sad that she wasn’t able to see it since she was so insistent that these things be done. We are thinking that Tyler will move in this weekend or next at the latest. We will probably stay with him for the first night or two…..it will be a strange feeling for him being there alone. Everything is baby steps at this point. 

Very soon, I will have to start having to deal with the business part of dying. I am so not looking forward to that. In fact I am dreading it. I don’t know where on earth to start. A good friend suggested the mortuary has a checklist, and instructions for what to do. I’m sure I can google it and get some direction too and now that I am not spending every day at Handmaker, I should have plenty of time to do it……

Sunday, November 1st

 

imageToday was the first day mom’s obituary was in the paper. It’ll be in again tomorrow. It was tough to write, but even tougher to see. Another thing that painfully took my breath away.

Jenna’s best friend (and maid of honor) and her husband Russell and their baby, Sawyer, came by in the morning and brought us an entire dinner for tonight. Vegetarian, even! How sweet is that? I have to admit putting together food the last few days has been difficult. We’ve had friends want to get together for dinner, but the idea of sitting in a restaurant sounded awful.

We went to the Olive Garden for lunch today (God, how I hate that food!). We needed to tell Mom’s friend Jean in person. She has battled and overcome several different cancers in her life and when she found out about mom’s brain cancer, she was devastated. I knew she wouldn’t take the news of her death well and I was right…..tough lunch.

I hope to get a date set for the celebration of life in the next few weeks, and will post it here. I thought about doing it by mail but mom had very few addresses written down. So that would be hard.

Tyler will most likely move in to moms house soon. He is taking her death very hard and I think moving in won’t be that easy for him. We’ve also talked about how the Thanksgiving weekend will go….it being mom’s 82nd birthday and all. We may just get out of town for that weekend. Dinner for the 3 of us seems SO depressing. The things you think about.