Sometimes, I wonder if I’m catastrophizing. Is mom doing as poorly as I think? When you see her listing sideways in her wheelchair, not really interacting with the other patients, who we have come to know these past few weeks, it’s obvious. When she first got here, I looked at the other patients, and thought, yikes, this is a sad group. Now, some of those same people have improved or been released. Not my mom though, she’s the lady who is getting worse. Every damn day.

And another thing-why do I have to be the one that tells people she needs to be cleaned up or her bedding should be changed? This is the best? Holy shit-that’s really scary. She can’t  even tell anyone that she needs that. If I don’t, then what? And they can charge $274 per day for this? Nobody helps her brush her teeth if I don’t. Here’s a suggestion-Pima College has dental hygienist and assistant programs. How about having the students go help people in these situations brush their teeth, because NO ONE else will. My mom was all about good dental hygiene. I literally thought I would throw up helping her tonight. Good God! Really???? I didn’t do it for two nights, so no one did. Gag me.

We treat our pets better than we treat our sick or elderly. What is wrong with a society that robs our loved ones of dignity and less painful and prolonged deaths, only to spend approximately 25% of our Medicare dollars in the last year of life? This makes no sense. I guarantee you that if doctors all were in salaried positions, we might see a change in those numbers. The difference between our experience at Arizona Cancer Center vs. Center for Neurosciences proves that point, as far as I can tell. Yet one more argument for some type of socialized medicine…..this should not be about selling medical care.

I thought we had all the relevant conversations. I thought everything was in black and white. But when it comes down to it, the will to live trumps everything. Common sense. Reality….Everything. I think about my mom and what is going on all the time. If I’m awake, it’s on my mind. What now? What’s next? Will tomorrow be better? Worse? You can’t be prepared for any of this-even when you think you are.