Well yesterday sucked. I think mom is just now starting to grasp what’s going on. I stopped at Starbucks on the way to Handmaker thinking it might both cheer and wake her up. Not so much, unfortunately. We went to our 11:00 a.m. committee meeting and it went exactly the way I had anticipated. She is not making any progress with her physical and occupational therapies, which is what must happen in order for insurance to cover it. So as of Monday she is being discharged. But, I see no reason to change anything now, so we will just pay it, at a rate of $275 per day until the wedding trip and then figure out what we’ll do after that. I see no reason to make change after change at this point. She started crying about halfway through the meeting and continued on and off for the next few hours-it was the saddest thing ever.  She hates her life and says she is ready to die. We sat in her room after the meeting and talked and cried together. I told her that neither one of us can change her health, but she can try to make the most of her remaining time. It’s all about attitude. Seriously, you can waste a lot of time crying about what’s happening or you can try to enjoy the people who love you and care about you.

After leaving, I ran around doing all kinds of errands including looking at more damn tile. Sweet Jesus-it’s the last freaking thing I give a shit about at this point. We all went back a little after her dinner and mom was already in bed and she was crabby and rude, but she was talkative, just nothing you would want to hear. She had literally just finished dinner and complained about starving. Keep in mind that none of us had anything to eat in about 6 hours, so Rick ran and got her the craving du jour while we kept her company and listened to her complain, before we all got to eat. I thought it was ridiculous. I’m starting to think I like her better when she’s crying as opposed to laying on the guilt and saying rude things. I have to be back at 9:30 in the morning for a trip to UMC for an MRI, and I can’t begin to convey how much I am dreading that. After that appointment I’m calling it a day. I need a little distance for at least 24 hours…..

I woke up at 2:45 in the morning (thanks to Idgie and the steak scraps I fed her earlier) which, of course got me to thinking about all the things mom said and the way she acted last night. It’s not the first time we have been at this junction and it’s not the first time she has taken her anger out on me. I also know it’s stupid to take any of it personally, but wow, how do you not? What kind of saint can just smile and ignore it?