So yesterday was a first. I know my mind was on a lot of different things. Plus I got a few phone calls in the morning that lasted very long. I also cleaned house a little between conversations. But….. I got dressed while talking on the phone and forgot to put on a bra-didn’t even realize it until I had been driving for a while.  That hasn’t happened since the 80’s. Must admit it felt kind of good, but it was weird.

Okay, I know no one really cares whether I wore a bra or not yesterday. Just trying to provide a bit of comic relief………The appointment with Dr Bishop is what is on everyone’s mind. So here it is. There will be no more radiation. So far it seems that chemo is on hold as well, possibly only until after the wedding-I’m not clear on that. She is trying to improve mom’s quality of life and make sure she can get to the wedding in the best possible condition. There is a neuro oncology tumor board meeting today where several doctors will go over mom’s records and make recommendations. We have an appointment for another MRI scheduled this afternoon. Dr Bishop will call me with the outcome of both over the weekend. As we were leaving she pulled me aside and asked if I understood how serious her condition is. So no tangible news, but I think we can all see where this is going. I’ve said all along that I want honesty and reality and that I’m tired of having smoke blown up our collective asses. And I would love like hell for there to be a miracle cure. But the bottom line is mom’s condition is worsening. When you see her day in and day out, it’s obvious. She has some days that are better than others but there is a clear and consistent decline.

When she was transferred to her wheelchair yesterday before we went to the cancer center, she was not able to sit up in her wheelchair without a side table to lean her left arm on to keep her sitting upright. She just kept tipping to the left. On the way back from there in the van, she suddenly slumped forward, knocking the table off and could not sit back up. I had to turn and use my bad arm to prop her up until we could safely pull over and use a gait belt to strap her in to the wheelchair for the rest of the ride. This just came out of the blue. I can only guess what’s causing it, but I will tell you to see her like that was frightening.

I got home and had a couple of drinks and several cigarettes before I could calm down enough to even think about eating or starting to cook. My phone started ringing way too early this morning with friends obviously wanting updates and I apologize for not answering, but I’m not ready to talk about this just yet. That’s why I have this blog…. And I need to wrap my head around what’s happening…..

Later this morning we have a meeting at Handmaker, which is not anything I’m looking forward to, followed by the MRI. Another lovely day in the making.