I know, logically, that we are not the first family to deal with scary medical issues. I know there are countless families around the world dealing with equal or maybe worse situations. We should take comfort in that knowledge. I spend so much time trying to look at the big picture and remain calm about it, but every now and then it just gets the better of me. It makes me so sad and so unsure of what is ahead and how we will deal with the decisions that will undoubtedly arise in the not too distant future. I have finally come to the decision that I need to just feel all of these emotions fully and not keep trying to keep a clear head all the time. That shit wears you out to your very core.

My mom and I used to talk on the phone ALL the time. We talked about everything. What’s going on in our lives, the kids, you name it. Whenever she went out of town, I would reach for the phone to tell her something funny or annoying or whatever. And then I’d feel sad because I couldn’t just pick up the phone and talk to her. I’d realize I had to wait until she’d get back…..Since she was gone to Europe for a month, it sort of broke the habit. But there are still so many times I want to pick up the phone and call her. Even when I do call and she does answer, we can’t just talk like we did in the past. She can’t seem to keep the phone up to her ear for any length of time. She doesn’t listen or stay on a topic for long, and generally just talking isn’t an option. Besides, what IS going on in her life? Sleeping, eating, therapy, the occasional visitors….not much to talk about. I really miss it.

Yesterday afternoon I popped in to see her and the occupational therapist was working with her. She is just so exhausted all the time that it’s difficult for her to do much of anything. She was in tears thinking about the possibility of not being able to make it to the wedding. The case manager came in a little later and we talked about the meeting we have set up for Thursday morning. I get the feeling that they are thinking of releasing her from this unit because such little progress is being made. It is, after all, a rehab unit. I don’t know what our options will be if that is the case. The occupational therapist pulled me aside and told me to be sure to ask what they would recommend since she does require 24/7 care and it doesn’t look like that will change. She is also concerned about her flying and whether medical transport wouldn’t be a better option, or at least one that we keep in mind as we get closer to the wedding. Sheesh. Not something I want to think about…..

Today is the day we’ve been impatiently waiting for. She gets her wig today. She sees Maria Bishop today. So much is riding on that appointment. I hope mom is present and alert for it. I hope I remember to record the conversation so we don’t miss anything. Last time we both came away with different impressions…I am excited and terrified in equal measure.