Well, after being Debbie Downer for the last few days, I actually have something positive to say. We arrived at the hospital around 5 yesterday, and there was a huge change. It appears the vancomycin finally kicked in, and possibly the fact that she hasn’t had chemo or radiation for a few days or who knows what, but there was quite a change. Whatever it was, I’ll take it. She was more lucid, looked better, ate more and showed more feeling and strength in her left arm. It’s something, finally.
It’s probably also the perfect time to have the “what if” discussion. I appreciate the feedback and suggestions by message here, and by text, email and phone. It’s been weighing heavily on me. Her original neurosurgeon, Schroeder told her today that the tumor had grown since the last MRI. She knows that’s not good. But, she seemed a little more like mom.
I don’t have the overwhelming feeling of doom and gloom today, which is a great change! I can hardly wait to get to the hospital to see how she’s doing this morning. Of course, by the time I get it together and get there, I’m sure it’ll be pushing noon. She’s been requesting Nutella crepes, so I’m gonna have to walk Rick through it-that’s sure to be entertaining-lol! He is such a good sport! He made his first Ceasar salad on Tuesday and assures me he is enjoying learning how to make all these things he’s been eating for years.
Today is also the day I have to go to the orthopedic doc to get my arm looked at. I think it’s a waste of time since a fracture just has to heal, but I’ll go anyway. The chest pain/rib thing is worse than the arm right now, but that’s because the arm is immobilized. Still can’t do crap with my hair using just one arm so I look like hell but the Vicodin keeps my from caring too much….I’m starting to worry that the Vicodin will run out soon, because it is magical.
I wish I could safely drive my car! I hate it that Rick has to drive me everywhere. I know that my saying that is pretty ironic considering the fact that mom just recently had to deal with the same thing, only on a permanent basis. Maybe in the great scheme of things I was supposed to see what it was like to have a left arm that doesn’t work like it should and not be able to drive for the sake of empathy. But, jeez, I already understood that it sucked for mom and I had empathy-I didn’t need this demonstration!
I have a feeling that we will have the discussion today of where my mom will go for the next several weeks during the MRSA treatment. They won’t keep her at TMC all that time. I just hope the options are good ones…. I’m hoping we also hear exactly how long the radiation and chemo are suspended and what that means.
Just as I’m having a somewhat decent morning, I got a phone call from mom asking where her effing crepes are. I explained that I told her I’d bring them at lunch time because she had a few errands that she wanted me to do first. She announced that all she is doing is waiting for people to do things, that she is sick and tired of what her life has become and she doesn’t want to do this anymore. Shit. We talked about everything that is going on and she wants all the information so we can discuss it together. I told her that I wasn’t ready to give up on this and if for no other reason she needed to hang in there for me. For Tyler. For Jenna. If and when we have to make the tough decisions, we will make them, but now is not the time. Back to feeling like hell-I should have known the good feelings wouldn’t last for long.
“Why the broken arm & lainful ribs right now?” Hmm, well, that does sound like a pretty clear, & constant, reminder to not try to lift & assist Mom physically for 120 hours per wk, thus forcing some more sensibly – thought-out alternatives. Please have the conversation, fully, asap — if you didn’t already, today. Please be sure in that conversation to cover whether she wants (which she logically, likely, will want) a “Do Not Resuscitate” order in place. And do what SHE wants in that regard, & otherwise her-health-wise, without playing the “for me!” guilt-trip. Otherwise you’ll have your own guilt-trips to deal with, after she’s passed on, however far or near a time that is from now. It’s a somewhat different chapter in the “soldier-up” department of our growth, as daughters. Hang in there.
Charlotte,
Hello from Marilyn in Seattle. I am thinking about you. I can’t wait to see you in November.
Take care of yourself. Looks like you have a great deal of love in your life.
Marilyn Galanti