This just gets better and better every day. We found out today that Healthsouth will not take my mom. It’s a medicare issue. Apparently, since she is beginning radiation and chemotherapy on August 3, and they do not take patients who are actively receiving  radiation, it is not possible. Medicare requires 1 1/2 to two weeks of rehab and since the screw up with releasing and readmitting her it took us to the tipping point. One damn week with intensive occupational and physical therapy and we might see some real progress. But, no. Putting radiation off a few days could make it work, but her cancer is so aggressive that the risk is too great. Common sense is not in this picture, it is all about formulas and equations. And that folks, is why we need a single payer system of healthcare in the United States. And to all of our German friends and family; you guys have this down! We are still effing it up right and left. Mom is still not strong enough to walk very far on her own or any of that kind of good stuff. And she definitely can’t navigate steps at this point. Soooooo. Yeah, this should get interesting. Just mentioning to her that I needed help at least at night so that I could sleep in my home and occasionally see my husband had her pointing out that she took care of her husband for 9 1/2 years with no help. Ouch, that hurt! But it is kind of different. She lives there already. I don’t want to spend what time we have left resenting her, and I know resentment will rear it’s head if we aren’t careful.

I talked to two people at Healthsouth twice to see what we could do to make this work. I talked to her radiation oncologist twice. I talked to her PCP and his receptionist. That’s the fun kind of stuff I get to do when I’m not at the hospital. I won’t bore you with the details that made me want to scream (and yes, I want to scream a lot these days or sob uncontrollably in a fetal position) but, the bottom line is they are going to keep mom at TMC until she is strong enough to navigate steps. I know that sounds weird, but since I am the one who gets to get her in and out of her house and to my car and back every day for radiation, I am taking a stand. As I pointed out to her oncologist, if she falls and breaks a hip getting in to or out of her house, all the radiation and chemo in the world won’t save her. She will die. And I am not ready for that. My guess is she is not ready for that either.

Today was not a good day. Mom was down and downright bitchy. And for those of you who got to visit with her today, you probably didn’t get to see that so much. She saves that for me. I am the one who loves her unconditionally and she knows she can get away with it. I will come back anyway always. But I do have feelings and I do want to hear the occasional thank you when she has me running all over creation to get this and that and the other thing she needs to keep her happy. I’m so sorry I didn’t get your freaking Mexican food the moment you wanted it. I was 5 minutes later than I had anticipated. Whoops. Occasionally I would like to eat too. I am down to one meal a day as it is. I’d like to be able to enjoy that one. Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping me going and that is something I am not proud of. But it helps to cope. I would like like hell to have her not have cancer. But this is what we have right now, and we are going to get through it. Period. No choices. We will fight this, but we need to be on the same team.

We are both going through stages of grief. Each of us in different ways. Mom is afraid of being dependent. I don’t want my mom to die. I know in my heart that she is just trying to control what she can (me!) because there are so many uncontrollable things in her life right now. I totally get it. I on the other hand, realize that I have no control either. I need to do what I can to help her get through it, no matter what. But my only daughter is getting married in October, and I don’t get to spend time with her on the wedding preparation things we planned on this week, or any other week for that matter, and it makes me terribly sad to miss it. It sucks and it isn’t going to suck less tomorrow or the next day and that is scary as hell.