I don’t know how everyone who spent a lot of time at Handmaker, while I was gone, felt. But, it is seriously painful to sit there with mom for any length of time these days, with the limited speech and  watching her sleep or stare off into space. Yet, when I’m not there, I feel guilty. It takes so much energy to just get there a few times every day.

Wednesday was harder than usual. It was a beautiful cool day (by Arizona standards), I just wanted to go home after my morning visit and macchiato delivery. I finally did my trip laundry and made a crockpot of soup. My cousin Steffie, let me know that my mom’s younger sister died overnight. She was 77 and as far as I know, healthy, other than just getting over the flu. She wasn’t terribly close to her, but I still worried it might upset her, so I dragged my feet as long as I could. She was surprised, but not terribly upset, which makes sense these days. She may not even be able to process the information. I just couldn’t tell.

Thursday morning was pretty quiet, some dozing, not any talking. Bob was there when I got there and he stayed for my meeting with the hospice fill-in crew, both social worker and nurse. Since mom never complains of pain, but her facial expressions often indicate there might be some, we will start on a low dose of morphine starting tomorrow and see how she does with that. It can be adjusted up or down on dosage and frequency.

In the afternoon when I got there, mom was lying flat on her back (which is rare) and when I walked in and asked her what was going on, she answered, “I just need some peace and quiet.” I said I could leave if she needed some rest, and she said clear as a bell, “no, stay.” I figured Rosa was probably there and she told me Gina was too. That’s pretty good! Tyler joined us at 5:30, and Patricia a little while later. I fed her, but she only ate about 3 spoonfuls and said she was full. She still likes the idea of food, but her appetite is way down. Today she was able to chew again. So, you still never know what to expect, but every now and then, you get a little bit of time where she kind of seems like mom again. I’ll take that. It’s just been a strange time. I’ve gotten used to not being able to talk to my mom on the phone everyday, like we used to, but this week I can’t talk to Jenna either since she is on her honeymoon. I miss my girls.