After the ridiculously long day we spent at the ER the day before, mom and I were both wiped out yesterday. She still had a little residual bleeding, and her speech is a little slurred, but she is still pretty with it, just a few off the wall things occasionally, but mom was always a free spirit….She was too tired to make it to the infectious disease doctor appointment in the morning but her office was gracious enough to reschedule on Thursday. Later today, we have another appointment with Maria Bishop and are switching over to Patricia as her PCP. I feel better already.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. A line borrowed from A Tale of Two Cities. And totally appropriate in my life right now. Jenna is getting married two weeks from Friday and it is such a happy time for our family. We absolutely love her future husband and are so excited for the great wedding we planned. That is, planned up until the beginning of July. Since then the mother of the bride has been MIA. I am so happy for my daughter and want this wedding to be the wedding of her dreams. The problem is that my mom is dying a slow, horrible death. At the end of each day there is nothing left of me. Hell, the beginning of the day is shit too. It’s all shit. I feel total guilt about not being as present as I had always imagined I would be during the happy wedding planning time, as present as I would have been had we not been dealing with mom’s cancer. I just don’t have the energy or the foresight to do what I should be doing. Poor Jenna is dealing with all the last minute things completely alone, and it is the last thing I would ever want for her. I can’t keep all the things straight in my head. It’s so crowded in there right now. I am totally sucking at this and it makes me so sad. Like I don’t have enough to be sad about right now.

I tried to get my mother of the bride’s dress hemmed on Saturday. The girl at the tailor shop told me to come back on Monday when the more experienced seamstress was in because it is a somewhat complicated hemline. I was going to go on Monday but spent 13 1/2 hours with mom. So I went there yesterday morning and Rick went to Handmaker to spend some time with mom until I could get a few things done. I put my dress on and the seamstress said she couldn’t do it. I lost my shit and started to cry. “My daughter is getting married in two weeks, my mother is dying of cancer and I spent a ridiculous amount of money on this dress.” Boofreakinghoo! How embarrassing! She said she knew who could do it and sent me there. Well, thanks for not telling me that before I lost it…..Next lady could do it, “but it will be expensive.” I DON’T CARE! And it really wasn’t that bad.

I have had a couple of people tell me we should put off the wedding because of what is going on with mom. I am taking a deep breath and counting to 1000 before saying this. I am sure you mean well. But really???? Do you have any idea what goes in to putting a wedding together? Yeah, I didn’t think so. It is not a damn Barbecue. People are flying in from all over the world (thanks, Steffie, for allowing me to use the world part). So, no, not an option. If we had planned a wedding for 20 in our backyard, maybe. A destination wedding for 20, that had a shit ton of travel insurance, sure. But a wedding for over a 100 in Texas Hill Country……that is not happening. If you see me, and think you might want to suggest that to me, bite your tongue, and walk away, because that may be the day I completely have a nervous breakdown and it won’t be pretty.

To the wonderful friends who have offered to spend time with my mom while we are gone for the wedding, and who told me how much we all deserve to enjoy this very special and wonderful time, you have my everlasting gratitude. Your support has been so incredibly wonderful. You know who you are. Just knowing that there are people who get how torn we are right now is so helpful. Rest assured I will take you up on your generous offers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.