Well shit. She did not magically get better while I was gone. One can hope for a miracle. But back to my realism affliction, I don’t see that happening. God, this sucks! Mom has talked to me numerous times about when she gets home, this or when she gets home that. How in the hell are you supposed to respond to that, without lying or being brutally honest? Luckily, at this point it probably doesn’t matter how I respond because she will undoubtedly say it again as though it was the first time she said it.
On my way home from Dallas, someone from Handmaker left a message regarding my mom’s appointment at Arizona Cancer Center on Tuesday the 15th, only it’s on Wednesday the 16th. Great. Why is everything so damn hard? Rick dropped me off at Handmaker on his way home. She had the TV on when I got there. A commercial was on and two people were walking in a park. She looked at me and said, “God, I miss being able to walk.” We sat and talked until the aid took her off to give her a shower and get her ready for dinner. Just watching someone move her unresponsive, uncooperative body to a wheelchair is depressing.
Bob left for Reno for 3 weeks this morning. I have a feeling he will be sorely missed. He has provided mom with early morning visits along with Starbucks iced caramel macchiatos-and it’s something she looks forward to daily. Gina and Tom left for Germany as well. The visitation herd is thinning. It’s very difficult for friends and family to visit often, because it’s so incredibly sad and it’s a constant reminder that she is slipping away bit by bit, day by day. Those of us who love her, miss her as much when we are there with her as when we are not, and it’s way less painful to miss her from the comfort of your home than when you are sitting with her. To those of you who were able to make it over there this weekend, we thank you! And to those who could not, we understand and when you can, she will be thrilled to see you, though you might not be able to tell. Rick visited twice a day in my absence, and gets best son-in-law award! He did say he couldn’t tell if she even enjoyed his visits, but I can’t ever tell either. So, there’s that. We made a pact-the three of us, that everyone of us needs to take a 24 hour break at least once a week for the sake of sanity-hopefully we can stick to it.
I read something about a little known drug that is supposed to be better and safer than chemo. It’s called H-86. You might want to ask about it when you go to the new oncologist. It’s been known to make tumors totally disappear in 6 weeks. That would be sweet! Maybe it wouldn’t work in the brain but it’s worth asking about.
Linda Paavola